In one week, this blog turns four. I’ve been skimming through the archives for post inspiration and found this photo:
Looking at the photo I felt:
- disbelief-he’s gotten so tall since then!
- pride-look at my handsome boy.
- happiness-I just want to pinch those sweet cheeks.
- acceptance-yes, his right hand is muddy and blurred; he is always my sensory seeker, always in motion.
- guilt-I was letting him play in the dirt in the backyard.
- frustration-the soil in the backyard is still contaminated by lead.
Philip hasn’t played in the backyard since the last snow melted this spring. The lead abatement still hasn’t taken place since the homeowner is still waiting for the state health department to let her apply for a grant. Did you catch that? It’s not that they are still processing her grant, it’s that they aren’t even ready to accept her application.
Peter wanted to move as soon as the presence of lead was confirmed both inside and outside of the house we rent. I naively believed that the matter would be resolved by now.
Every Friday, Peter perused the real estate section of the local newspaper, mentioning properties for sale that he thought we should check out. I dodged the issue since I doubted I could qualify for a home loan. I made promises that we would move by the time our lease came up in May, thankful I could avoid taking action until then.
Despite knowing that Peter felt trapped in this house, I selfishly ignored the situation until we were at the preschool open house. Philip’s teacher mentioned that she wanted to start planning for Philip’s kindergarten placement. I realized that we may end up moving out of our school district. I could no longer procrastinate. I needed to find a place now so we could prepare for Philip’s future.
That’s why I finally got myself pre-qualified for a mortgage. That’s why we’ve been house-hunting. That’s why I avoided writing new content on my blog because I couldn’t bear to face, let alone write about, the gut-eating, headache-inducing, crying-jag-spurring decisions that will lead to upheaval for Philip.
Of course, seeing that photo reminded me that I can’t hide from my problems, so I might as well write about them. Hopefully I’ll soon be writing about the great place we discovered, our adventures in moving and about life in our new home.
Yup. It looks like I’ll have blog fodder for quite some time.