I know you’re a red-winged blackbird by
sight now that I’ve relearned your apt
moniker from strangers. But
by ear? No. Your song’s lost,
forgotten without
my grandma here
whistling
just for
me.
-
Follow
Following
Already have a WordPress.com account? Log in now.
that cynking feeling 
What a perfect piece of writing.
LikeLike
Thank you for the kind words. I’m really enjoying the simplicity/challenge of this form. It helped me finish another draft that’s been lingering for months.
LikeLike
I love how your first and last sentences explain each other. My only suggestion would be to find a way to take “it for” and “me” off its own lines. I think the weight of your point rests on “grandma” and “here.” That second to last line is the trickiest, I think. That’s usually where the beginning of a preposition lands and it’s hard to phrase things so the third-to last and second-to-last syllables are meaningful.
LikeLike
I hope it’s okay to change a word since voting hasn’t opened yet (I swapping “just” for “it” in the penultimate line). I agree that ending with “me” seems a bit self-centered when the poem is supposed to be about my grandma. With more time I might come up with something to describe the whistling to make it a stronger ended. Thanks for the feedback.
LikeLike
I still stand by my previous commentstudies about your amazing ability to take on any poetry form and smash it. This is one of the best you’ve written for sure!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Beautiful title, beautiful poem. My one suggestion would be to clarify your first sentence with punctuation – I had to reread a few times, bc two or three ideas (seeing/addressing a bird, re-learning its name, talking to strangers) were presented all together right away, when I was still trying to get my bearings and jump into the poem.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Is it intentional that “eulogy” sounds like the “oh-ka-lee” cry of a red-winged blackbird?
LikeLike
No, that’s serendipity. I didn’t exactly ignore my grandma as a kid when she was teaching me about nature but I did make the youthful assumption that I didn’t need to remember the details because she would always be around.
LikeLike
I agree with all the feedback above except, I like that it ends with ‘me.’ In my opinion, it adds to the feeling of the title Eulogy, which as I understand it is something or someone reflecting on what has been lost for those who are left behind, in this case, you.
LikeLiked by 1 person
This is lovely. The line break after “but” is powerful and I think (reading the other comments) your change in the final lines is great, especially since it contrasts the intimacy of the relationship with grandmother with the “strangers.”
LikeLike
Thanks for the feedback. I was trying to stretch myself after Rowan pointed out my tendency to have self-contained lines in last week’s nonet. I wanted to take advantage of the line breaks in a new-to-me way.
LikeLike