Yesterday, I threw away the doughnuts.
“What doughnuts?” you might be wondering. The rest of the half-dozen discounted, day-old doughnuts I was dumb enough to buy “for Philip” when I was at the grocery store. Sure, he ate one but then there were five left. And I couldn’t let them go to waste, could I?
“Waste not, want not,” goes the proverb. That catchy phrase haunts me whenever I want to start a diet or stay on one. Except for that one year at college where I had my own apartment, I’ve always shared a refrigerator and pantry with others. Even when I’ve had the support of those people to start a diet, I still hated the idea of throwing out all the foods that were forbidden. So, in an amazing feat of logic, I would binge eat all the bad foods so I could start that diet without any temptations.
This is the kind of fucked up thinking that I’m facing as I try to break bad habits and build new ones. This is why I ate two of those doughnuts even though they were going stale and they had been FOR MY SON. This is why it took me two days to throw out the last three and, even then, I smashed them and buried them deep in the bag so I wouldn’t be tempted to retrieve them out of the trash later.
I wasn’t going to admit any of this on the blog. I’ve wanted these Friday posts to be a place to be positive, to get support and suggestions, not to feel shame. But secret eating and shame-inducing binges just perpetuate the cycle of unhealthy eaten that I’m trying to break. I’ve already eaten horribly, why stop now? I feel bad that I ate badly so I’m going to eat more to feel better. To know better is to do better, but my brain acts like it didn’t get that memo.
So, I threw away the doughnuts yesterday. Will I buy doughnuts for Philip again? Probably. Some days, I’m just happy that the kid has eaten. But that doesn’t mean I have to serve as a human garbage disposal for whatever is left.
“Waste not, want not” has its place but not on my waistline.
Would you believe that June 3 is National Donut Day? Here’s to everyone that can indulge in a donut without overdoing it.